30/11/2021: my love letter to you

This is to you Declan Hales for the 30th of November 2021

We are currently on the phone together. 3 hours counting. We spend the time talking about anything and everything. How much I miss seeing you and this upcoming Wednesday.  My ovulation cycle and how weird it looks when I put a flashlight on my boob. 

I want to thank you for everything that has happened and making me realise what love is. We may just be friends at this point but I think you deserve to know the impact you’ve had on my life that will shape my teenage years forever.  

You reached out to me through snapchat commenting on Shrek and the beauty he holds. From then on, we started to talk every day for countless hours reminiscing on our childhoods and your love for Oliver. We realised soon enough that we had a lot in common and if we could our conversations could have lasted for days. Sometimes, you would say things that didn’t mean much to you however made me fall in love even more. You could have told me to fuck off and I was still head over heels in love. Declan, you seemed too good to be true like you had fallen from the heavens. Everything was perfect about you like the way people’s faces would light up when you entered the room or the endless love you were willing love to anyone and everyone.

5/2/2021: sleep

Life is so crazy like a whirlpool for happiness and sadness. I keep doubting the love which i know is unconditional for my boyfriend. I get so worried by the little things and it worries me what will happen in the future. He has a migraine at the moment that hopefully is gone soon.

I don’t think people really understand how bad sleep paralysis or the accompanying symptoms are until they’ve had it. I was trying to tell my friends at school today about it but they just didn’t grasp the severity. When i was just going off to sleep last night, i remember being awake but unable to open my eyes like i was stuck. Like i wanted to scream and shout for someone to help me but i was just stuck there, still. I remember the darkness of my eye’s being closed and me telling myself to just breath, that hopefully i will wake up from that. After finally being released i got up and went into my mums room, just laying there trying to digest what had just happened. The pressure i felt on my legs just minutes ago was still there reminding me of the experience.

I did lay on my back for the first time in a while which can cause this.

Today, when i was having a nap a similar thing happened where i was trying to fall asleep and open my eyes. Luckily, pretty much instantly i was able to get out of this trance like state.

Schools been stressful, life is sorta shitty, sort of okay.



25/01/2021: invasion day

Today. Today. Only 2 more days until school starts and my world gets turned upside down.

It will mark the last-first day of school for my entire life. I’ve done 11 of those, this one marks the last.

To more important matters, tomorrow is invasion day – the 26th of January. This revolting date is still celebrated as Australia day which repulses me. It marks the loss of indigenous Australia’s homes, land, rights but most importantly their families. The fact it’s even ‘celebrated’ is horrible, any person that has common sense and would take one minute to sympathise would understand the impact and devastation this day is and still causes.

14/01/2021: the motions of love

Sometimes I feel like I’m floating on a cloud high up in the sky. My body feels weightless as I stare into his sparkling eyes. I think I never want this feeling to end, the one Ive spent my whole life erning for. To feel so comfortable that nothing matters, that all my imperfections to me are his perfections.

Every finger he delicately lays on me, feels so careful sliding across the bumps of my rough skin. He slightly opens his lips pressing against mine and the world finally becomes a happy place. If only he knew the power he had over me. I would do anything for him.

I never knew I could love a human this much. They say it’s a teenage dream but its just so much then that. Our souls interconnect, his thought my thought. His sadness, my sadness. Nothing has ever felt so scary but exciting before. This is good, really good.

7/11/2020: meeting the parents

Everything feels like I’m floating on a cloud ready to plummet down. It feels so great but so bad at the same time. Words can explain the way I’m feeling.

I stayed at his house the first time yesterday. I was so nervous what was going to happen. Would i be able to make conversation? Would his little brother like me? Would it be awkward? The plan was for him to walk and pick me up and then go back to yours however the weather had different plans. He ended up texting me that his step mum Emily was going to pick me up instead.

Fast forward to the moment. He opened the door to the car where i got in and introduced myself as Emily to Emily. Pretty ironic i know. I met Oliver who is literally the cutest. They had some family friends at his house so i had to find the dad and shake his hand. I did after setting myself for 10 minutes. We babysat Oliver and this girl called Matilda. After playing for a while we watched finding demo and Declan and i layer on each other.

The electricity between us is crazy it feels like literal sparks every time we touch. Everything has happened so fast but it just feels so right like its going slow. We ended up sleeping together okay well not really. After dong whatever for a couple of hours we both woke up at 4:30am and lets just say we didn’t get back to sleep until 7 where well slept for half an hour. Declan and i had a shower in the morning where we kissed which was so nice and we made our way to school. Everything felt so natural like it was meant to be. At no point did i feel awkward or uncomfortable which made everything so much better. Its like we have known each other forever yet I’m still learning so much about who he is. I thought i had work after school but realised i didn’t so Declan,Charlie,Rohan,logan,Kiyara and i went to the park.

I kept on wanting to leave that now i think about it was probably the wrong thing. We went up into the slide like little kids and kissed. It felt so amazing, we had been waiting the whole day to kiss and when we did it felt better than i could of ever imagined. After that we all walked to 7/11 and Declan and i decided to go the park where we couldn’t stop kissing.

Its so strange because i thought since forever i was never able to do any of this. Since a few months ago i couldn’t even hold someones hand without feeling uncomfortable. Everything just works so well with us physically and emotionally. Our bodies connect so well though emotionally its even better. We just get each others emotions and have the same visions in life. I genuinely can’t see anything that could pull us apart.

Our parents met for the first time and it went even better than imagined. We just hugged each other and embraced each other warm bodies. I felt overjoyed of every emotion. It was so hard leaving him however it makes seeing him the next day even better. I’m so grateful I’ve been able to share this experience with someone i love so much.

21/09/2020: Love and acceptance

I’m really struggling at the moment to feel positive in such uncertain and scary times. Everything seems to be going so bad not just in the world overall but in my personal life and I know for sure this is happening to a lot of people too. The stress of being home alone with your parents and not having an escape route is worse enough. I miss going out with my friends, watching a movie on a Saturday night, going to the beach to watch the sunset. All these things I took for granted and I realise how lucky and privileged I am.

The negative thoughts inside my head fill my body, draining everything out of me. I just want to feel something, alive but I’m sitting here in my dark room alone. I don’t know why my thoughts are like this. I wish I could have a magic button where it all disappear though I don’t.

I’ve started taking a lot more photos and going on a lot more walks which has helped a lot. strangely enough just talking about how is feeling especially through this blog post makes me happy like I’m being heard. However, I know one person will walk away from this and think Will probably forget about everything I’ve just said and move on with their lives and that’s okay. Possibly one person will think about what I’ve just said.

my point is the emotions can change at any time no matter the situation. That it’s okay and you’re heard even if it doesn’t feel like it. Everyone please stay safe once again my thoughts are with you and your families.

26/11/2020: it’s happening

I wish I could describe exactly how my stomach fills with butterflies when I think of him or when a notification pops up with his name. My world has changed drastically over the past weeks for the better. I am so happy I’ve finally been able to experience something with somebody I’m falling for. Its like I’ve been waiting my whole life for him, for this moment to happen.  These past few days have been amazing and I’ve learnt so much of who I am as a person. 

He makes me so happy sometimes I look at him and I cry. I get worried I’m not good enough for him. Though, I remember this was meant to happen for a reason and no matter what happens I’m still me.

23/11/2020: here we go again

A lot has happened in the past week! The guy who i was talking to well we’ve caught up over 8 times now nearly 3 times a week. It’s been so nice to get to know him and felt great feeling sort of wanted. When we were feeling a bit wacko he kept on asking me if i was okay and how he just wants me to be happy. I literally remember the exact moment where i was laying in my bed and he was saying this. I knew right there he was someone i wanted to know for a very long time. After that the night became eventful but in the morning i genuinely felt happy. With other guys i’ve felt maybe guilty or sort of gross after however it was so different. I had work later that day and the shift went by so slow. My heart sort of felt numb like something was missing because all i could think about was talking and seeing him.

I was talking to his close friend and a friend of mine. He was saying everything was going so fast and to a certain degree i agree. Though, nothing was ever forced and i feel like it’s going at an alright pace. I think he may want it to go faster yet i would rather go slower so it’s more meaningful.

I’m really worried that my close friend is going to leave as she’s getting worried where our friendship will go. I genuinely treasure it so much and really don’t want us to fall out over a guy.

4/11/2020: falling for the one

I’m so happy i’ve finally waited and realised that it’s okay to be vulnerable. For most of my teenage years i worried about my inability to show affection to guys and really feel something. I blamed this on me and thought it was something i needed to change. After meeting this guy for the first time i showed affection to a male. This may sound really small but for me this is a huge stepping stone.

He came over to my house which we then walked for hours finally getting to the beach. We laid there looking at the stars and being with him felt so good. After getting home we cuddled up to each other and watched i think interstellar. I will forever remember this exact moment where i grabbed onto his arm and put it around me. I f let so happiness with my heart so full. This is the second time we had met up together (though we go to school together and have mutual friends) so for this to happen especially for me was amazing.

I think for us we end up warming up to each mother. We start of really nervous but by the end of the night it’s like nothing happened.

We haven’t kissed yet but i’m pretty sure he hasn’t had his and i don’t want him to feel pressured. I also don’t mind waiting as physical stuff isn’t everything for me. I sort of want it to be really casual and i fully went in for it without him realising but i freaked out and stopped. I woke up the next morning with him around me which was so nice. We sort of laid in bed together in the morning chatting as i drunk tea wakening myself for work. He walked me to work and off he went.

I know we both feel the same way but i’m pretty sure he’s hesistant and a bit afraid as this is all new to him. I really just want him to make moves etc so i know he’s comfortable and is alright with everything.

So much has changed since hi last blog! Thank you so much for reading ❤️

1/11/2020: I’ve got caught up

I’ve got myself into a bit of a pickle. So i have this thing called discord where i can talk to all my friends and video chat etc. Ireland came over and we were chilling but she suggested to bring someone over. I text the dude saying he should come over and he did (i ordered him an uber). He got to mine and my friend and i were super drunk so we started doing his makeup.

Eventually she leaves and it’s just me and him. We listened to loads of classical music and ended up watching call me by your name. IT WAS SO AMAZING YOU DONT UNDEDSTAND. I dressed him up and put nail polish on him. THIS IS WHAT IVE LITERALLY DREAMT OF. I like hugged him to sleep but he wouldn’t stop talking. He was probaly just super nervous which i totally understand. This is literally the first time in my existence that i’ve flirted with a guy and felt so comfortable. I felt so chill and wasn’t nervous at all. Not quite sure if that’s good or bad.

I’ve realised with this i would pour my heart and soul into a relationship. Anyway, i’ll see how everything goes this week 🙂