9/09/2019: Messed up

Holy fuck today has been one of the biggest messes of my life. I was in French, so bored but anyway and the coordinator which can i add is my english teacher. He walks in and says “(my name) please come with me”. This whole situation is made better because he’s quite a nice and funny guy and we get along well. Anyway we get to his office (year level coordinators) and another coordinator is sitting there. They ask:

“do you know why we may be here”

I smile in confusion “no”

They ask “What are you and pete’s (not his actual name) relationship”

I don’t know if i’ve mentioned this but i hooked up with Pete but that’s about all.

i say awkwardly “We don’t really talk, i dunno nothing really”

teacher: “There has been a lot of rumours, are you aware of this”

Of fucking course i know. These past 2 weeks have been literal hell with no one sticking up for me and no one to talk to it about it. It’s crazy what a rumour can do.

Me: “Yeah, i’m fine it’s cool”

Teacher: “We are really concerned for you”

me:”Nah i’m fine”

Teacher:”What did you do with him”

Okay sorry this part i was so annoyed about i felt like maybe my personal life and school life’s boundary was crossed

Me:”Are you being serious”

I turned so red and they both looked at me. Not my brightest day.

me:” Like that we hooked”

Fuck my life.This was so awkward

Teacher:”what are the rumours he’s said”

Me:”That he grabbed my ass but like i don’t really care”

WHYYYY DID I SAY THAT HOW DUMB AM I!!

Teacher:”Oh… Do you drink often”

Me:”Well i used to but only everyone and them. It’s usually just peer pressure.”

Teacher:”When’s the last time”

me:”Like ages ago… Wait no a few weeks ago”

Teacher:” And look do you do drugs”

me:”uhhh…. no ;)”

To be fair i don’t really.

Then they just asked me about other people and now i look back on it, i sort of exposed people. And one of the persons i talked about HE WENT TO HAVE A CHAT WITH HER.

Anyway after all this and me about to cry the whole time. I go back to class

But nope , no way i had that teacher for my english class.

He started of the lesson, screaming at everyone for being rude etc and everyone was so confused but it was about Pete and me situation. Because during class they were making jokes and sending pictures of him to me knowing i regretted it.

Teacher

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2/09/2019: Guy issues

oh damn, oh damn,oh damn.

Do i have some drama to tell.

This sort of needs a backstory.

A few weeks ago i hooked up with a guy, no big deal. I told him not to talk about it and he swore on his life he wouldn’t.

Sounds stupid, but at school stuff like this can ruin everything. He told everyone so when people asked i just said yes because honestly what’s the big deal. Everyone started screaming it out in the hallways, making jokes about me and him and how i shouldn’t of. In class, getting sent airdrops of his face to me, again getting screamed about. It sort of sucks.

Get home and i have a class chat. Go into it and it’s just a picture of this guys face and then my name underneath, with people making. jokes about it. My closest friends liking all of them. In their defence i make a stupid and unharsh comeback to a guy in my class.Then this whole situation blows up and this guy starts attacking me about my friendships which Louise is in the chat (ex-friend a lot of drama revolving around it and been quite a big deal). Everything blows up she gets mad, tells everyone to grow up.

I literally had no fucking idea what to do.

Should i be nice? A bitch?

I was by myself no one to back to me up and these guys can make you look stupid cause everyone will just laugh with them. I decide to be nice and say

“i appreciate your opinion”

“thank you”

etc

I dunno, it’s just really hard when you’ve got a million people attacking you and no one sticking up for you. And then i too 2 issues in one chat online.

Anyway i cant be fucked, night x

12/08/2019: Stoned Mum

This sounds stupid but whatever.

My mum has really been pissing me off recently.I was at home minding my own business and i come out my from to use the bathroom and realise my mum was high and drunk god knows what high off.

Since forever i have been pretty independent and learnt to be okay with these things.

I shout at her because i literally don’t know what else to do and go back into my room. After staying in my room for a little while and crying i get a message on my phone

“dad is going to drop me into the town to see a colleague for a little while and then I’m going to stay at his place. I will be back tomorrow morning and dad is here to do everything you need to ensure you get to school”

Mum comes back the next day in the evening without texting me to see if i’m alright or anything really and smiles and gets pissed at me for being angry at her. I know it sounds stupid but i has already been having a fucked week and it’s just really hard to see someone you like hurt themselves.

Few days later (aka today):

Come home from a really nice bike ride with friend. She’s tipsy. I think whatever and because i’m not talking to her it doesn’t affect me. At about 11 pm (now) i come out my room to get some water and the whole house is filled with the smell of weed and cigarettes and alcohol i literally want to vomit. Mum looks absolutely dead. What’s new.

This all sounds stupid but i feel like she worries more about her party lifestyle or her boyfriend than looking after me. Like she will leave me at 10 o’clock to go out.

Previously i’ve had to stay at a friends for a week because my mum had taken some sort of drug AND i was not allowed to go home to grab anything.

Or i have to knock on the front door everyone and ring ahead just in case she’s doing drugs.

I know there are much bigger issues in the world than this but personally i’m really struggiling from not having a mother present in my life and a dad that’s psycho.

k kool x

13/07/2019:Drunk mum

My parents piss me off on another level.

Get me home from a 20 hour flight all good at like 10pm. Soon as they come home they start drinking. Whatever i tell them that it’s a bad idea. They wake me up after finally getting to sleep at 1am from fooling around cause they are totally wasted.I tell them to go to bed. I sleep again 4AM and music is blasting and they are falling over things so i’ve woken up again.

You may be thinking ‘they are adults,it’s not about you’. To be fair i sort of agree with you but the fact they have no consideration for me whatsoever is not alright.

Minus the flight thing this happens every weekend and sometimes everyday with my mum. They don’t realise but stuff like that exhausts me she hugely affects me. I don’t want to have to deal with my drunk mum and look after her from drinking a whole bottle of wine. The fact that when my friends come over they also have to see her in a drunken state is so embarrassing. I’ve dealt with this stuff my whole life and i’m so done with it.

fuck my life xo

09/07/2019:IsSuEs HELPP

I have been staying with my gran while on holidays so my mum can go off with her boyfriend.

It’s sort of weird i hate him with a passion but i have no idea why. He’s been fairly nice to me it’s something about him.Maybe that he’s my best friends sort of family. Fuck my life.

I refuse to talk to him even give him eye contact.

Here’s the thing.My mum used to have a boyfriend years ago, i was totally accepting of him. He was sort of close to living with us, i didn’t care at all. Maybe even sort of wanted him too.In the end they broke up because he became abusive.Could it be jealousy or something else?

This guy seems different.

Anyway she just came back from spending time with him. After about an hour she states she’s going off to have a cigarette. Before him she barely ever smoked. Her smoking is like a trigger point for me, i get so angry and upset and pissed from something so small. I have no idea why because i have also smoked before but didn’t care. There’s something about me i get so pissed of by something so small it could just be loud music or even alcohol. I will sit in my room for days upset and angry wondering why. Your probaly thinking damn she’s dumb or “it’s just hormones”.

I’ve been like this my whole life. Time to get over it. UgH.

Back home soon.

see ya xo

01/07/2019:oh no spaghettio

Today has been interesting…… I went out on a boat around some islands which was really gorgeous. Got some food blah blah blah.

So i’m in a tour group at the lament where you have a little radio that you can hear the guides voice. The one i had run out so i had to ask the guide for more batteries instead she gave me a whole different one.

I was looking at it and it’s cracked. Not hugely but just a little one on the side. I’m not quite sure if that’s how i got given it or it’s something i did. Either way i’m shitting myself as we have to give them back.

The leader to be perfectly honest with you is a asshole. One time i was late to the bus and she went sicko mode giving me a foul look. I had to walk past her to get into the bus and she looked me up and down all around so i just walked gorvward and have a bitchy smile. From then on she has giving me so many looks and to be perfectly honest with you she can suck a palm tree. Just before she was sitting with another guide and i had a feeling they may of been taking about me. So i looked over and she whispered to him something then they both looked at me. Actually quickly little tip if people look at you after talking they are probaly talking shit.

Right so now i have to deal with her for a few days and at the end give her a cracked radio that she has to pay for. I’m just going to go down the route of “that’s how it was” but i’m pretty sure as it was in her handbag she would of known. Oh well, i won’t have to ever see her again. Thank gosh.🤔

30/05/2019:holidayz

Look i know i’m a disappointment.

The last week i have been travelling and spending most of my time sleeping due to jet lag.

It’s extremely hot here and i have shitty skin so as soon as it hits the heat i’m burnt. Good though compared to home where it’s completely cold.

Little update on Louise. She posted a photo of her and me on instagram which confuses me a lot. We’re not friends??¿

That dude that i wanted to be friends with (forgot his code name) hooked up with a girl 🎉 Life’s good, can wait for school.

Ugh

bye x