21/09/2020: Love and acceptance

I’m really struggling at the moment to feel positive in such uncertain and scary times. Eerything seems to be going so bad not just in the world overall but in my personal life and I know for sure this is happening to a lot of people too. The stress of being home alone with your parents and not having an escape route is worse enough. I miss going out with my friends, watching a movie on a Saturday night, going to the beach to watch the sunset. all these things I took for granted and I realise how lucky and privileged I am.

The negative thoughts inside my head fill my body, draining everything out of me. I just want to feel something, alive but I’m sitting here in my dark room alone. I don’t know why my thoughts are like this. I wish I could have a magic button where it all disappear though I don’t I don’t.

i’ve started taking a lot more photos and going on a lot more walls which I’ve started taking a lot more photos and going on a lot more walks which has helped a lot. strangely enough just talking about how is feeling especially through this blog post makes me happy like I’m being heard. I know most people rings will probably forget about everything I’ve just said and move on with our lives and that’s okay. However, I know one person will walk away from this and thinkstrangely enough just talking about how is feeling especially through this blog post makes me happy like I’m being heard. I know most people rings will probably forget about everything I’ve just said and move on with our lives and that’s okay. However, I know one person will walk away from this and think Will probably forget about everything I’ve just said and move on with their lives and that’s okay. Possibly one person will think about what I’ve just said.

my point is the emotions can change at any time no matter the situation. That it’s okay and you’re heard even if it doesn’t feel like it. Everyone please stay safe once again my thoughts are with you and your families.

23/07/2020: Covid-19

Covid-19 has brought out the best and worse from people all around the world. Everyone is equal in this situation, rich people cannot completely be safe. No amount of money can fix this, just humanity coming together.

Today, when i went into school i immediately felt uneasy, seeing the once uncovered faces covered. Reminds me of something from a horror movie. I continue to remind myself masks are just a preventative measure and they are, it just seems so weird.

I prey everyday this is over for everyone. I am fortunate, i do not have to pay bills and can afford to be protected. However, there are people everywhere where this is not the case that are really struggling. My hearts go out to you all. One day this will just be a memory we can look back on and a page in a history book ❤️

22/07/2020: Suffocate

Feeling really down at the moment. Cant feel or think of anything that makes me feel happy or warm inside. Even thinking about my closest friend makes me feel numb. Everything is closing around me and I’m suffocating finally after years. I am trapped, no escape alone with my thoughts, chocking.

Also, one of you commented on my post, best thing I’ve seen in a while. Thank you:)

14/07/2020: soul crushed

I was finally feeling something and that they were wanting me for more then my body. This dude and i had been talking for 10+ hours over 4 days literally about the random east thing but i always thought there may of been something there. We were talking and he mentions, that he was still with the girl i thought was his ex way back. I don’t know why but my whole heart ripped out my body because i was really starting to feel something for once in my life.

I suppose i could use this as a learning curb and go by the saying, if it wasn’t meant to be it wasn’t meant to be.

for my future self:

you have fallen in love a man that makes you feel warm inside.

you have made a life for yourself somewhere in europe.

you still have contact with ireland

you have gone into journalism or something your passionate about.

your fashion taste is immaculate.

you have made a difference in the world.

your successful.

you have got this ❤️💖

07.07.2020: the love i feel

I’ve come to the realisation, i want to fall in love. My whole teenage years have been filled with me hooking up with guys, that i have no true liking for even find attractive. I just wanted the feeling of knowing i’m worth something even if it’s for a few hours. Sometimes it’s for pleasure, but all about theirs not ever mine. I’m usually drunk or high so only have snippets of memories never usually good. People use me as a sex object, being touched when i never consented and always as “friends”. Why can’t someone want me for me, not just my boobs but for what i like.

I just want to know the arm and fuzzy feeling you get, when your with him. Or planning your future together. Maybe it’s my fault for being too afraid or showing off my body too much.

I make a promise to myself, to have more respect for my body, protecting it for the right time.

The person will come, when he does. Just have to stick it out.

You are loved ❤️

15/06/2019: fake bitc*hes

soooooo…. The drama fiasco repeats itself. A close mine is leaving to Korea and is having a little lunch with some friends. An old friend who are on good terms with each tower is going and she decides to bring another person jeff who i dislike. I need to reiterate Jeff was not invited and the guy that is leaving didn’t want her there either.

So i told my friend who is leaving that i really didn’t want her to go because i know that a big fight would happen and would ruin everything. I personally think i would be able to handle myself and not fight but maybe not so much her. therefore, i told him like maybe her not go and i go or vide versa.

The girl that invited Jeff then decided to post a whole rant saying that i’m a terirbke person. Jeff then calls everyone crying, basically everything has been blown out of proportion once again.

It’s just annoying because i genuinely want the best for the guy leaving as its really sad and we were close. I obviously understand, how it’s putting an ultimatum but there’s no other way. I’d rather not go and her go so it’s all sorted.

so yeah

04/05/2020: Money Heist

I think ive decided i have a problem. I’ve started watching money heist well i’m onto season 3 after 3 days. It’s soooo good, but i always end up getting way too into it.

The relationship between the professor and cop person, i can’t stop fantasising about it. Everything him,her it’s something i always want. It’s so stupid and i know it’s just a show but holy crap. This show has me stuffed up, all i can do is think about it and imagine what it would be like. I suppose it’s doing it’s job though. Also the professor god damn he’s so hot, no one thinks he is but i think what i’m into is his personality.

Life’s usual crappy and depressing but we live on.

ya ya Em dawg

24/04/2020: supermarket struggles

Life be wilding’ right now and I dunno how to feel. It amazes me how much the world has changed from even walking down the road, everything’s different. Now, I’m aware that it is for the safety of everyone particularly the elderly but its so strange.

 

 

At work today, a guy was taking a while to load his groceries as he was elderly which I totally understand and acknowledge with the rules how it may be hard.  A guy was behind waiting to bed erved however im not allowed to serve anyone until the person which is packing has finished “social distancing’. He was huffing and puffing, getting angry which was totally unfair and could of easily gone to self-service. So the old gentleman finally leaves, and I start to scan this guys stuff. I was going at a fast pace, as I could see he was obviously angry about the wait and I wanted to provide good customer service. He shouts at me and says “how do you think im meant to pack that fast, this is ridiculous,” I say I’m sorry and go slower. To break the awkward tension, I ask him how his day has been and he acknowledges I said something by looking but just ignores me. So I ask all the questions once I’ve scanned everything “are you using card, would you like a receipt,thank you for coming etc” he ignores me every single time. UGHHHHHH

Also, I have lost every single piece of trust in my mother lol

 

 

04/04/2020:

Sometimes i wish that someone could just understand me tell them something and then get it. How it felt, then be there and just know.

I wish i could work out what’s going on in my mind, why i’m thinking what i am. But i can’t. I’m stuck by myself with my thoughts that don’t make sense.

For so long i’ve delt with shit and i tell people but there’s only so much they can understand, know. I wish the pain could disappear or i could fix it.

only 85 more years to go i say