The crazy and eventful life of me. Family, friends, boyfriends the whole lot.
I’ve realised that my passion in life is to talk to people. To hear people. To listen to their stories and experiences in life. You can learn so much just listening to someone. One day, I will look back on these blog posts and realise how far I would’ve come and the invaluable knowledge I had gained.
The opportunities in life are endless. It is up to the holder and only the holder to accept them.
While my job is so insignificant in the scheme of things- for me it’s lifechanging. I can create amazing experiences with the money I get. Talk to people while gaining conversational skills. I find out about the lives of other people, even it’s the little things it’s something.
Sometimes, I get caught on the little things as I ask myself why I didn’t do that or why didn’t they do that for me. I forget to recognise that the little things are the most important. The things that get unnoticed yet mean so much.
We are currently on the phone together. 3 hours counting. We spend the time talking about anything and everything. How much I miss seeing you and this upcoming Wednesday. My ovulation cycle and how weird it looks when I put a flashlight on my boob.
I want to thank you for everything that has happened and making me realise what love is. We may just be friends at this point but I think you deserve to know the impact you’ve had on my life that will shape my teenage years forever.
You reached out to me through snapchat commenting on Shrek and the beauty he holds. From then on, we started to talk every day for countless hours reminiscing on our childhoods and your love for Oliver. We realised soon enough that we had a lot in common and if we could our conversations could have lasted for days. Sometimes, you would say things that didn’t mean much to you however made me fall in love even more. You could have told me to fuck off and I was still head over heels in love. Declan, you seemed too good to be true like you had fallen from the heavens. Everything was perfect about you like the way people’s faces would light up when you entered the room or the endless love you were willing love to anyone and everyone.
Here I am, back again to dump all my feelings and then leave for a couple of months.
For context my boyfriend decided he wanted to ‘break-up’ with me and I explained how this came out of the blue and to go on a break to both work on ourselves.
I found it extremely hard to process as it was something that came out of the blue and I couldn’t rationalise the fact a week before I thought we were in a great position.
It is now 17 days into the break and I thought this time alone would reassure me with how I felt however this is exactly the opposite.
For months now, I have felt myself slowly going into a depressive hole. I’m not quite sure why but I suppose there doesn’t have to be a reason for everything.
Anyway, this break has triggered emotions that I haven’t felt since my sad 15 year old days. The uncertainty of what’s to come with my boyfriend is literally killing me.
I wake up everyday thinking ‘is this the day we are going to break-up?’
I know you are probably thinking ‘why is she so dramatic, there are plenty of fish left in the sea.’
To be honest, I agree with you but I can’t accept the fact the person who was my whole world for nearly 2 years will just vanish and we will go to strangers.
Anyway, I am going to try to be positive and just wait it off. There’s no point going into a depression tunnel (not that I can really help it) if this could be a positive outcome. If on the unlikely chance we work things out, I really hope he’s on the way to getting his shit together
I start on a depressing note… once again. I have finally finished year 12 and now i’ve left with endless empty time which i need to fill.
Today kind of sucked though. I got into the car after my final exam to which mum and dad start bickering about something. They say congratulations and we get home where mum offers me a half eaten cake. I say “no thanks.” That was pretty much the celebrations and then mum leaves to go out to dinner with friends.
The whole thing feels pretty unmomentious like it was just another normal day. Mum comes back tipsy and that’s it. I tell my parents i don’t want to go out for the ‘graduation’dinner tomorrow night and they respond with “great that means i can go out instead x”.
I also overheard my mum speaking to my grandma who my mum knows i confide in for support etc. My mum was trying to prove that she wasn’t “drunk” in order to make out what i would say to hi grandma as false.
I just kind of feel empty. I had all these expectations to feel immense happiness and joy but all i feel is sadness and pain.
Anyway hopefully stuff will start to feel a bit better soon 🙂
Life has been hectic like always. I’m in the midst of the most stressful time in my life on top of lockdown.
It feels so and too much sometimes. Like the world is piling up on my shoulders which is getting heavier by the day. I have constant headaches the only cute sleeping and taking panadol. I’m exhausted 24:7 but sleeping just makes it worse. School is confusing and repetitive all classes merging into one continuous blur. On top of this my sleep pattern is awful.
I have my period always with no stop cramps and bleeding. This is just the start. What am i going to do when exams come?
I know for everyone out in the world life is shit in one way or another. We unite in the feeling it’s never going to end, that our lives are going to be constantly repeating. The only think we look forward to is going to sleep and hoping life will be normal one day soon.
I just don’t know how much i can bear sitting at my screen. I’m so disconnected from everything including my boyfriend who is just trying to help. For no reason everything he does annoys me and i have never felt more distant. I question if i love him, if i love myself but i always come to the conclusion this is only the present.
I try to explain the way i feel but how am i meant to tell people when i don’t even know myself.
On a positive note the weather has been amazing so my mum and i have been going on walks.
It has been so long, too long since i’ve written to you.
Where do i even begin? Year 12 has been a roller coaster of emotions that sometimes i want it to be over. However, like today i realise how appreciate i am not only for my education but the special bonds i’ve bond with teachers and friends.
I have 3 sacs in 2 weeks time which adds to already stress levels. It never fails to amaze me, in less than a year from now i will be 18, independent and free. These years have gone too fast, that sometimes i wish i can become the innocent 9 year old living my best life.
On another note, my 6 month anniversary is coming up. He has made year 12 purposeful, another person i’m so incredibly great full for. Without him i definitely would not be in such a great place in my life.
My mums stopped smoking and drinking that has been incredible. I didn’t realise how detrimental it was to my mental health and now reflecting back couldn’t wish how i felt on anyone.
Apart from school life is good but even that’s okay.
Life has sort of been all over the place at the moment.
I feel kind of weird with my boyfriend like something is missing. My brain takes over sometimes and the weird thoughts into my head turn into actions. I keep on overthinking and worrying which I expect him to fix and know exactly what I’m thinking. My brain creates scenarios in my head that I dread and make me believe I’m doing that. That I’m cheating or thinking of other men. I know and will always know it’s him, only him. I can only get the warm, fuzzy feeling when I feel his touch, or he says my name. I love him so much, more than I thought was ever possible however I’m so scared of fucking up. My fear of ruining things is what’s going to stuff everything up which is ironic. I’m getting upset over little things that usually would mean nothing to me.
Moving on, he’s coming over tomorrow morning which i’m very excited about! I think i’m feeling kind of weird is because we haven’t properly seen each-other for a very long time. Everything seems to perfect in real life.
Life is so crazy like a whirlpool for happiness and sadness. I keep doubting the love which i know is unconditional for my boyfriend. I get so worried by the little things and it worries me what will happen in the future. He has a migraine at the moment that hopefully is gone soon.
I don’t think people really understand how bad sleep paralysis or the accompanying symptoms are until they’ve had it. I was trying to tell my friends at school today about it but they just didn’t grasp the severity. When i was just going off to sleep last night, i remember being awake but unable to open my eyes like i was stuck. Like i wanted to scream and shout for someone to help me but i was just stuck there, still. I remember the darkness of my eye’s being closed and me telling myself to just breath, that hopefully i will wake up from that. After finally being released i got up and went into my mums room, just laying there trying to digest what had just happened. The pressure i felt on my legs just minutes ago was still there reminding me of the experience.
I did lay on my back for the first time in a while which can cause this.
Today, when i was having a nap a similar thing happened where i was trying to fall asleep and open my eyes. Luckily, pretty much instantly i was able to get out of this trance like state.
Schools been stressful, life is sorta shitty, sort of okay.
Today. Today. Only 2 more days until school starts and my world gets turned upside down.
It will mark the last-first day of school for my entire life. I’ve done 11 of those, this one marks the last.
To more important matters, tomorrow is invasion day – the 26th of January. This revolting date is still celebrated as Australia day which repulses me. It marks the loss of indigenous Australia’s homes, land, rights but most importantly their families. The fact it’s even ‘celebrated’ is horrible, any person that has common sense and would take one minute to sympathise would understand the impact and devastation this day is and still causes.
Sometimes I feel like I’m floating on a cloud high up in the sky. My body feels weightless as I stare into his sparkling eyes. I think I never want this feeling to end, the one Ive spent my whole life erning for. To feel so comfortable that nothing matters, that all my imperfections to me are his perfections.
Every finger he delicately lays on me, feels so careful sliding across the bumps of my rough skin. He slightly opens his lips pressing against mine and the world finally becomes a happy place. If only he knew the power he had over me. I would do anything for him.
I never knew I could love a human this much. They say it’s a teenage dream but its just so much then that. Our souls interconnect, his thought my thought. His sadness, my sadness. Nothing has ever felt so scary but exciting before. This is good, really good.
Everything feels like I’m floating on a cloud ready to plummet down. It feels so great but so bad at the same time. Words can explain the way I’m feeling.
I stayed at his house the first time yesterday. I was so nervous what was going to happen. Would i be able to make conversation? Would his little brother like me? Would it be awkward? The plan was for him to walk and pick me up and then go back to yours however the weather had different plans. He ended up texting me that his step mum Emily was going to pick me up instead.
Fast forward to the moment. He opened the door to the car where i got in and introduced myself as Emily to Emily. Pretty ironic i know. I met Oliver who is literally the cutest. They had some family friends at his house so i had to find the dad and shake his hand. I did after setting myself for 10 minutes. We babysat Oliver and this girl called Matilda. After playing for a while we watched finding demo and Declan and i layer on each other.
The electricity between us is crazy it feels like literal sparks every time we touch. Everything has happened so fast but it just feels so right like its going slow. We ended up sleeping together okay well not really. After dong whatever for a couple of hours we both woke up at 4:30am and lets just say we didn’t get back to sleep until 7 where well slept for half an hour. Declan and i had a shower in the morning where we kissed which was so nice and we made our way to school. Everything felt so natural like it was meant to be. At no point did i feel awkward or uncomfortable which made everything so much better. Its like we have known each other forever yet I’m still learning so much about who he is. I thought i had work after school but realised i didn’t so Declan,Charlie,Rohan,logan,Kiyara and i went to the park.
I kept on wanting to leave that now i think about it was probably the wrong thing. We went up into the slide like little kids and kissed. It felt so amazing, we had been waiting the whole day to kiss and when we did it felt better than i could of ever imagined. After that we all walked to 7/11 and Declan and i decided to go the park where we couldn’t stop kissing.
Its so strange because i thought since forever i was never able to do any of this. Since a few months ago i couldn’t even hold someones hand without feeling uncomfortable. Everything just works so well with us physically and emotionally. Our bodies connect so well though emotionally its even better. We just get each others emotions and have the same visions in life. I genuinely can’t see anything that could pull us apart.
Our parents met for the first time and it went even better than imagined. We just hugged each other and embraced each other warm bodies. I felt overjoyed of every emotion. It was so hard leaving him however it makes seeing him the next day even better. I’m so grateful I’ve been able to share this experience with someone i love so much.